Top One Burning Question About the Canceled O.J. Simpson TV Special

"News Corp. has canceled plans to publish a controversial new book by O.J. Simpson titled, 'If I Did It,' and an accompanying Fox network television interview with the former football star....

"News Corp. Chairman and chief executive Rupert Murdoch said in a statement that he and senior management decided that 'this was an ill-considered project.'" --Reuters

And the Top One Burning Question About the Canceled O.J. Simpson TV Special...

So when's the airdate for "O.J. Munches His Kids' Livers Live"?

Top One Other Least Favorite Halloween Costumes Top 10 List

10. Tinkle Me Elmo

9. Sarah Evans Divorce Lawyer

8. The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe and Vacationed in a Panty Shanty

7. Alec Baldwin's Breath

6. For Mayberry fans: Otis the Drunk for Kids, better known as Otis the Fermented Juice Box Guzzler

5. Shania Twain Belly Button Lint

4. Al Roker Belly Button Pudge

3. Superman, Man of Spandex Rash

2. Cocktail Weenie

And the Top One Other Least Favorite Halloween Costume...

Canker Sore Barbie

Top One Least Favorite Halloween Costumes Top 10 List

10. Jehovah's Notary Public

9. Larry Hagman's Liver and Plastic Ice Cube Earrings

8. Courtney Love on Too Much Broccoli

7. Former Number One: Al Gore Sex Machine with Hanging Chad

6. Rosie O'Donnell Pit Bull Puppy

5. Robin Williams Back Wax Bed Linen with Eye Holes

4. Anna Nicole Smith Charm School Screw Loose

3. Casper the Despised and Shunned and Lonely and Bitter Ghost

2. Mr. T with Splenda

And the Top One Least Favorite Halloween Costume...

Chicken Pox Pete, Sperm Donor to the Stars

Top One Additional Elton John Hip-Hop Song

1. "Don't Go Capping My Arse"

Top One Other Elton John Hip-Hop Song

1. "Good-bye, Yellow Gold Tooth"

Top One Elton John Hip-Hop Song

"'I want to bring my songs and melodies to hip hop beats...,' John said in excerpts of an interview posted on "Rolling Stone's" Website...." -- "Herald Sun"

And the Top One Elton John Hip-Hop Song...

"Lucy in Da Fly With Bling Bling"

Top One Travel Concern Other Than Snakes on a Plane

1. The death grip on your suitcase by a copperhead in a bellboy's cap.

Top One Sequel to "Snakes on a Plane"

"British police say they smashed a scheme to use liquid explosives smuggled inside ... sports drink bottles" to blow up 10 American airliners. -- "USA Today"

And the Top One Sequel to "Snakes on a Plane"...

"Drinks on a Plane"

Top One Sign There May Be Snakes on a Plane

1. Flight attendant asks, "Coffee, Venom, or Me? Coffee, Venom, or Me?..."

Top One Movie Scarier Than "Snakes on a Plane"

1. "Bunnies on an 80-Year-Old Hefner."

Top One Reaction to a Quarter Century of MTV

1. "I want my 25 years back."

Top One Other Sign Fidel Castro Is Dead

1. Cuban-American Bob Vila's new fix-it show, "This Old Dictatorship."

Top One Sign Fidel Castro Is Dead

1. The ghost of Desi Arnaz leading the Conga Line at the Tropicana.

Top One Reaction to "Superman Returns"

1. Superman socks.

Top One Mel Gibson DUI Suspicion, Police Said

1. He spoke in Aramaic and Latin and Yucatec Maya.

Top One Mel Gibson Project in Development

"MALIBU, Calif. -- Mel Gibson was arrested early Friday for suspicion of driving under the influence, the Sheriff's Department said." -- AP

And the Top One Mel Gibson Project in Development...

"The Road Weaver" or "The Passion of the Harvey Wallbanger" or ''The Man Without a Face Faced.''

Top One News Item Best Not Commented Upon

1.

-- "Atlanta Journal-Constitution" newsletter

Top One Special Effect Not Surpassed in "The Poseidon Adventure" Remake

1. Stella Stevens in her underwear.

Top One Lesson Learned in "Poseidon"

1. That Tidy Bowl Man is a wuss.

Top One George W. Bush Birthday Wish

1. Blow out Kim Jong Il's candles.

Top One Revelation in Britney Spears' Damage Repair Interview

"After a year of screaming headlines scrutinizing her husband, their marriage, and most stinging of all, her abilities as a mother, she’s not just dealing with some bad press -— but an image implosion." --"Dateline NBC" transcript

And the Top One Revelation in Britney Spears' Damage Repair Interview:

Smacking gum with like the mouth open on national TV is like sophisticated!

Top One Tragedy in the Death of Terrorist Al-Zarqawi

1. Missed beer party with the mullahs watching "Girls Gone Mild."

Top One Reaction to Sen. John Kerry Changing His Position on the War

"U.S. Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts on Tuesday told an audience at the liberal Take Back America conference that he was sorry for voting to authorize the war in Iraq, calling the entire mission 'a mistake.'" --CNSNews.com

And the Top One Reaction to Sen. John Kerry Changing His Position on the War:

"Hey, who wants waffles?!"

Top One Reason to Support Gay Marriage Legislation

1. It will open the door for legalizing polygamy. I need another wife to cut the grass.

Top One Way to Celebrate "COPS'" 650th Episode

1. Remove shirt and get arrested.

Top One CBS Perk for Perky Katie Couric

1. The Mike Wallace Eye Bag Chairs.

Top One NASCAR Meat

"Today's entry in 'when licensing goes wrong' is NASCAR Meats. Its Web site (www.tastetheexcitement.com) encourages you to 'get a taste of your favorite sport' and 'rev up your taste buds for the exciting taste.' Included among the selections is smoked sausage. Are they smoked with burning rubber or exhaust fumes?" --"Seattle Post-Intelligencer"

And the Top One NASCAR Meat:

Red Necks.

Top One Buck Owens Epitaph

"Singer Buck Owens, the flashy rhinestone cowboy who shaped the sound of country music with hits like 'Act Naturally' and brought the genre to TV on the long-running 'Hee Haw,' died Saturday. He was 76." --"The Hollywood Reporter"

And the Top One Buck Owens Epitaph:

"Here's Roy Clark."

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Top One Showtime for "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector"

1. We'll be there sometime between 8 a.m. tomorrow and 5 p.m. the twelfth of never.

• Listed Under: thetoponelist, mike+durrett, lists, humor, humour, satire, larry+the+cable+guy, comedy, fun, funny, entertainment, jokes, movies

Top One Reason Mike Wallace Is Retiring From "60 Minutes"

1. That darn whippersnapper Morley Safer used the youth card.

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Top One Sign You're a Blonde Lobster

"Divers have discovered a new crustacean in the South Pacific that resembles a lobster and is covered with what looks like silky, blond fur, French researchers said Tuesday." --CNN

1. The beauty baths in butter sauce.

File: thetoponelist, mikedurrett, lists, humor, humour, satire, life, comedy, fun, funny, blondes, news

Top One Story Idea to Win the Next 'Best Picture' Oscar

1. Gay bigots.

File: thetoponelist, mikedurrett, movies, humor, humour, satire, oscars, comedy, fun, funny, entertainment

Top One Rap Song Nominated for an Academy Award

1. "Bibbidy-Bobbidi-Boo" (1950)

File: thetoponelist, mikedurrett, humor, humour, satire, life, comedy, fun, funny, academyawards, music, movies

Top One Sign March Entered Like a Lamb

1. Woke up in a garlicky beef broth with onion and mint jelly on the side.

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Top One Surprise at the Anna Nicole Smith Supreme Court Appeal

1. Justice Samuel Alito can twirl them pasties.

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Top One Reason Anna Nicole Smith to Be Heard by the U.S. Supreme Court

1. She's an abortion case.

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Top One Thought as the World Awaits Its 6.5 Billionth Person

1. "Will there be cake?"

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Top One Reason Mutant Chickens Grow Teeth

"Scientists have discovered a mutant chicken with a full set of crocodile-like chompers. The mutant chick, called Talpid, ... died before hatching. ... Researchers recently created more Talpids by tweaking the genes of normal chickens to grow teeth." --Live Science

1. Colonel Picking Good.

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Top One Hollywood Hypocrisy

"Samsung Electronics has expressed bewilderment over reports that it is being sued by the major Hollywood motion picture companies, who have claimed that one of its DVD players allowed consumers to circumvent encryption features and thereby make bootleg copies of DVDs." --IMDb

1. Why don't the movie studios sue themselves for all the bootlegged ideas they copy and copy and copy, over and over and over?

File: thetoponelist, movies, hollywood, humor, humour, satire, mikedurrett, comedy, fun, funny, news

Top One Thing I've Learned During 25 Years of Marriage

On Valentine's Day, your humble writer celebrated a quarter century of wedded bliss.

1. Let me ask Donna and I'll get back to you.

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Top One Chilly Event 'American Idol' Has Over the Winter Olympics

"NBC's Winter Olympics took another beating ... at the hands of Fox's 'American Idol.' The singing contest, TV's top show, drew 27 million viewers..., 11 million more than the Olympics." --"USA Today"

1. Simonized Sucking.

Listed: the, top, one, list, humor, humour, american, idol, lists, mike, durrett, jokes, one-liners, winter, comedy, olympics

Top One Dick Cheney Condiments

1. A salt and pepper.

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Top One Upside to Vice President Dick Cheney's Gunplay

"A 78-year-old hunting companion of Vice President Dick Cheney was recovering in stable condition Monday after Cheney accidentally shot him during a weekend quail hunting trip, a hospital official said." --AP

1. Overnight, he's America's fastest-rising hip-hop star!

Listed: the, top, one, list, humor, humour, dick, cheney, lists, mike, durrett, jokes, one-liners, political, comedy

Top One California Appeasement to Al-Qaeda

1. Edible burkas at Frederick's of Hollywood.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, War on Terror, one-liners, Mike Durrett

Top One Al-Qaeda California Terror Plot

1. Must See "Ishtar," Thursdays on NBC.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, War on Terror, one-liners, Mike Durrett

Top One New Idea at Disney

1. In the wake of another "The Shaggy Dog," "Bambi II," "Cinderella II," "Lilo & Stitch II," "Tarzan II," and "101 Dalmatians II":

"Young Yeller: Flubber Hound"

Related: Comedy Movie Preview: "The Shaggy Dog" (2006) via About Humor
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Top One Oxymoron / Moron

1. "Fake Paris Hilton"

News source: Topix.net

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Top One Quote to Leave You Speechless

1. "Debra Jackson said she likes shopping at the Dollar Palace because it is convenient and casual. 'I don't have to get all dressed up like I'm going to Wal-Mart or something,' she said.'" --The Town Talker

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, quotations, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, Wal-Mart

Top One Reason Britney Spears Agreed to Be on "Will & Grace"

"The pop star will appear as a Christian conservative sidekick to Sean Hayes' character, Jack, who hosts his own talk show, on the April 13 episode, [NBC] said." --AP

1. Over & exposure.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, Britney Spears, Will & Grace

Top One Sign Something Ain't Right in Hollywood

1. Bugs Bunny nibbling on Carrot Top.

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Top One Paul McCartney - Stevie Wonder Sure-Fire Comeback

1. In their musical tradition of "Ebony and Ivory": "Black Cherry and Vanilla."

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, Coca-Cola, one-liners, Mike Durrett, Stevie Wonder, Paul McCartney

Top One Sign Marlon Brando Was Bi-Sexual

"The new biography about legendary actor Marlon Brando claims ... [he] was voracious in the bedroom with both men and women." --All Headline News

1. His films: "Guys and Dolls," "The Fresh Man," "Roots," "One Eyed Jacks," "A Street Cat Named Desire," "On the Walter Front," and "The Godfather, Part Tootsie."

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, Marlon Brando, one-liners, Mike Durrett, movies, sex

Top One Reason Supermodel Kate Moss to Pen Autobiography

"LONDON (Reuters) - British supermodel Kate Moss, at the center of a scandal last year after being filmed apparently snorting cocaine, has agreed to publish her autobiography."

1. Learn how to operate a pen.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, Kate Moss, scandals

Top One Osama bin Laden Peace Offering to Infidels

Osama bin Laden's "vague offer of a truce — coupled with a threat of another attack on the U.S. — was made in an audiotape released by the Arab television network Al-Jazeera." --AP

1. Buy one truce, get one (of equal or lesser value) FREE!

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, Osama bin Laden, one-liners, Mike Durrett, Usama bin Laden, terrorism

Top One Osama bin Laden Terror Threat

"BEIRUT, Lebanon -- Osama bin Laden threatened ... the United States ... according to an audio tape broadcast yesterday on an Arab satellite channel." --"Newsday"

1. His next homemade video: "Brokeback Spiderhole."

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, terrorism, one-liners, Mike Durrett, Usama bin Laden, Osama bin Laden

Top One Just Dessert for Wendy's Severed Finger Swindlers

"A couple who planted a severed finger in a bowl of Wendy's chili in a scheme to extort money from the fast-food chain were sentenced Wednesday to prison terms of at least nine years." --AP

1. Nine-to-12 in The Big Frosty.

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Top One Name for William Shatner's Kidney Stone

"LOS ANGELES (AP) — An online casino has a piece of Capt. Kirk. Actor William Shatner has sold his kidney stone for $25,000, with the money going to a housing charity..."

1. The Trouble With Dribbles.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, William Shatner, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, kidney

Top One Blonde Joke Ever

I've been around and I must say I've located The Best Blonde Joke Ever. It's so good I had to feature it on my About.com Humor site, too.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, blondes, one-liners, Mike Durrett, The Best Blonde Joke Ever, whatever

Top One Friday the 13th Fear

1. "Friday the 13th: Jason vs. Bounty, the Quicker Picker-Upper"

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, Friday the 13th, fears

Top One Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pregnancy Plan

"Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are expecting a baby, possibly in May, a spokeswoman for Pitt has confirmed. ... Pitt was known to have filed papers to become the adoptive father of Jolie's two adopted children...." --"Herald Sun"

1. Adopt their own fetus.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, babies, Mike Durrett, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt

Top One Opening Line When a Cop Pulls You Over

1. ''You cannot call yourself a geisha until you can stop a man with a single look.'' --"Memoirs of a Geisha"

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, cops, one-liners, Mike Durrett, Memoirs of a Geisha, whatever

Top One Fashion Mr. Blackwell Wears to Slap Down Worst Dressed Women

The in-sultan of style goes for broke, back mounting hisses and disses on Britney Spears, Mary-Kate Olsen, Eva Langoria, and other celebrities in his 46th Annual Worst Dressed Women list, posted at E!

1. Brickbat Mittens

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, Mr. Blackwell, one-liners, Mike Durrett, fashion, worst

Top One Real Life Itchy and Scratchy Moment

1. "FORT SUMNER, N.M. — A mouse got its revenge against a homeowner who tried to dispose of it in a pile of burning leaves. The blazing creature ran back to the man's house and set it on fire." --AP

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, fire, one-liners, Mike Durrett, weird, mouse

Top One Reason a Woman Married a Dolphin

"In a modest ceremony at Dolphin Reef in the southern Israeli port of Eilat, [Sharon] Tendler, a 41-year-old British citizen, apparently became the world's first person to 'marry' a dolphin." --MSNBC

1. Comes with built-in bidet.

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Top One Fear of Law Enforcement Officers in the New Year

1. Moustache shortage.

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Top One Cause of the California Floods

1. Barbra Streisand's boo-hoo this, boo-hoo that tears

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, floods, one-liners, Mike Durrett, California, whatever

Top One Amazing Fact About the Cat That Phoned 911 to Save His Master's Life

1. Wrong number. The cat phoned Domino's to savor a herring pie.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, cats, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, 911

Top One Thought on the Minds of the First Baby Boomers Turning 60

1. "What am I going to be when I grow up?"

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, baby boomers, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, thoughts