Monday, November 20, 2006

Top One Burning Question About the Canceled O.J. Simpson TV Special

"News Corp. has canceled plans to publish a controversial new book by O.J. Simpson titled, 'If I Did It,' and an accompanying Fox network television interview with the former football star....

"News Corp. Chairman and chief executive Rupert Murdoch said in a statement that he and senior management decided that 'this was an ill-considered project.'" --Reuters

And the Top One Burning Question About the Canceled O.J. Simpson TV Special...

So when's the airdate for "O.J. Munches His Kids' Livers Live"?

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Top One Other Least Favorite Halloween Costumes Top 10 List

10. Tinkle Me Elmo

9. Sarah Evans Divorce Lawyer

8. The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe and Vacationed in a Panty Shanty

7. Alec Baldwin's Breath

6. For Mayberry fans: Otis the Drunk for Kids, better known as Otis the Fermented Juice Box Guzzler

5. Shania Twain Belly Button Lint

4. Al Roker Belly Button Pudge

3. Superman, Man of Spandex Rash

2. Cocktail Weenie

And the Top One Other Least Favorite Halloween Costume...

Canker Sore Barbie

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Top One Least Favorite Halloween Costumes Top 10 List

10. Jehovah's Notary Public

9. Larry Hagman's Liver and Plastic Ice Cube Earrings

8. Courtney Love on Too Much Broccoli

7. Former Number One: Al Gore Sex Machine with Hanging Chad

6. Rosie O'Donnell Pit Bull Puppy

5. Robin Williams Back Wax Bed Linen with Eye Holes

4. Anna Nicole Smith Charm School Screw Loose

3. Casper the Despised and Shunned and Lonely and Bitter Ghost

2. Mr. T with Splenda

And the Top One Least Favorite Halloween Costume...

Chicken Pox Pete, Sperm Donor to the Stars

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Top One Additional Elton John Hip-Hop Song

1. "Don't Go Capping My Arse"

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Top One Other Elton John Hip-Hop Song

1. "Good-bye, Yellow Gold Tooth"

Monday, August 28, 2006

Top One Elton John Hip-Hop Song

"'I want to bring my songs and melodies to hip hop beats...,' John said in excerpts of an interview posted on "Rolling Stone's" Website...." -- "Herald Sun"

And the Top One Elton John Hip-Hop Song...

"Lucy in Da Fly With Bling Bling"

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Top One Travel Concern Other Than Snakes on a Plane

1. The death grip on your suitcase by a copperhead in a bellboy's cap.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Top One Sequel to "Snakes on a Plane"

"British police say they smashed a scheme to use liquid explosives smuggled inside ... sports drink bottles" to blow up 10 American airliners. -- "USA Today"

And the Top One Sequel to "Snakes on a Plane"...

"Drinks on a Plane"

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Top One Sign There May Be Snakes on a Plane

1. Flight attendant asks, "Coffee, Venom, or Me? Coffee, Venom, or Me?..."

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Top One Movie Scarier Than "Snakes on a Plane"

1. "Bunnies on an 80-Year-Old Hefner."

Monday, August 07, 2006

Top One Reaction to a Quarter Century of MTV

1. "I want my 25 years back."

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Top One Other Sign Fidel Castro Is Dead

1. Cuban-American Bob Vila's new fix-it show, "This Old Dictatorship."

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Top One Sign Fidel Castro Is Dead

1. The ghost of Desi Arnaz leading the Conga Line at the Tropicana.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Top One Reaction to "Superman Returns"

1. Superman socks.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Top One Mel Gibson DUI Suspicion, Police Said

1. He spoke in Aramaic and Latin and Yucatec Maya.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Top One Mel Gibson Project in Development

"MALIBU, Calif. -- Mel Gibson was arrested early Friday for suspicion of driving under the influence, the Sheriff's Department said." -- AP

And the Top One Mel Gibson Project in Development...

"The Road Weaver" or "The Passion of the Harvey Wallbanger" or ''The Man Without a Face Faced.''

Monday, July 17, 2006

Top One News Item Best Not Commented Upon

Atlanta Journal-Constitution quote: Founder of Hooters dies at 69
-- "Atlanta Journal-Constitution" newsletter

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Top One Special Effect Not Surpassed in "The Poseidon Adventure" Remake

1. Stella Stevens in her underwear.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Top One Lesson Learned in "Poseidon"

1. That Tidy Bowl Man is a wuss.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Top One George W. Bush Birthday Wish

1. Blow out Kim Jong Il's candles.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Top One Revelation in Britney Spears' Damage Repair Interview

"After a year of screaming headlines scrutinizing her husband, their marriage, and most stinging of all, her abilities as a mother, she’s not just dealing with some bad press -— but an image implosion." --"Dateline NBC" transcript

And the Top One Revelation in Britney Spears' Damage Repair Interview:

Smacking gum with like the mouth open on national TV is like sophisticated!

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Top One Tragedy in the Death of Terrorist Al-Zarqawi

1. Missed beer party with the mullahs watching "Girls Gone Mild."

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Top One Reaction to Sen. John Kerry Changing His Position on the War

"U.S. Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts on Tuesday told an audience at the liberal Take Back America conference that he was sorry for voting to authorize the war in Iraq, calling the entire mission 'a mistake.'"

And the Top One Reaction to Sen. John Kerry Changing His Position on the War:

"Hey, who wants waffles?!"

Monday, June 05, 2006

Top One Reason to Support Gay Marriage Legislation

1. It will open the door for legalizing polygamy. I need another wife to cut the grass.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Top One Way to Celebrate "COPS'" 650th Episode

1. Remove shirt and get arrested.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Top One CBS Perk for Perky Katie Couric

1. The Mike Wallace Eye Bag Chairs.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Top One NASCAR Meat

"Today's entry in 'when licensing goes wrong' is NASCAR Meats. Its Web site ( encourages you to 'get a taste of your favorite sport' and 'rev up your taste buds for the exciting taste.' Included among the selections is smoked sausage. Are they smoked with burning rubber or exhaust fumes?" --"Seattle Post-Intelligencer"

And the Top One NASCAR Meat:

Red Necks.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Top One Buck Owens Epitaph

"Singer Buck Owens, the flashy rhinestone cowboy who shaped the sound of country music with hits like 'Act Naturally' and brought the genre to TV on the long-running 'Hee Haw,' died Saturday. He was 76." --"The Hollywood Reporter"

And the Top One Buck Owens Epitaph:

"Here's Roy Clark."

Friday, March 24, 2006

Top One Showtime for "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector"

1. We'll be there sometime between 8 a.m. tomorrow and 5 p.m. the twelfth of never.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Top One Reason Mike Wallace Is Retiring From "60 Minutes"

1. That darn whippersnapper Morley Safer used the youth card.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Top One Sign You're a Blonde Lobster

"Divers have discovered a new crustacean in the South Pacific that resembles a lobster and is covered with what looks like silky, blond fur, French researchers said Tuesday." --CNN
1. The beauty baths in butter sauce.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Top One Sign March Entered Like a Lamb

1. Woke up in a garlicky beef broth with onion and mint jelly on the side.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Top One Reason Mutant Chickens Grow Teeth

"Scientists have discovered a mutant chicken with a full set of crocodile-like chompers. The mutant chick, called Talpid, ... died before hatching. ... Researchers recently created more Talpids by tweaking the genes of normal chickens to grow teeth." --Live Science
1. Colonel Picking Good.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Top One Hollywood Hypocrisy

"Samsung Electronics has expressed bewilderment over reports that it is being sued by the major Hollywood motion picture companies, who have claimed that one of its DVD players allowed consumers to circumvent encryption features and thereby make bootleg copies of DVDs." --IMDb
1. Why don't the movie studios sue themselves for all the bootlegged ideas they copy and copy and copy, over and over and over?

Friday, February 17, 2006

Top One Thing I've Learned During 25 Years of Marriage

On Valentine's Day, your humble writer celebrated a quarter century of wedded bliss.
1. Let me ask Donna and I'll get back to you.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Top One Chilly Event 'American Idol' Has Over the Winter Olympics

"NBC's Winter Olympics took another beating ... at the hands of Fox's 'American Idol.' The singing contest, TV's top show, drew 27 million viewers..., 11 million more than the Olympics." --"USA Today"
1. Simonized Sucking.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Monday, February 13, 2006

Top One Upside to Vice President Dick Cheney's Gunplay

"A 78-year-old hunting companion of Vice President Dick Cheney was recovering in stable condition Monday after Cheney accidentally shot him during a weekend quail hunting trip, a hospital official said." --AP
1. Overnight, he's America's fastest-rising hip-hop star!

Friday, February 10, 2006

Top One California Appeasement to Al-Qaeda

1. Edible burkas at Frederick's of Hollywood.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Top One Al-Qaeda California Terror Plot

1. Must See "Ishtar," Thursdays on NBC.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Top One New Idea at Disney

1. In the wake of another "The Shaggy Dog," "Bambi II," "Cinderella II," "Lilo & Stitch II," "Tarzan II," and "101 Dalmatians II":

"Young Yeller: Flubber Hound"

Monday, February 06, 2006

Top One Oxymoron / Moron

1. "Fake Paris Hilton"

News source:

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Top One Quote to Leave You Speechless

1. "Debra Jackson said she likes shopping at the Dollar Palace because it is convenient and casual. 'I don't have to get all dressed up like I'm going to Wal-Mart or something,' she said.'" --The Town Talker

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Top One Reason Britney Spears Agreed to Be on "Will & Grace"

"The pop star will appear as a Christian conservative sidekick to Sean Hayes' character, Jack, who hosts his own talk show, on the April 13 episode, [NBC] said." --AP
1. Over & exposure.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Top One Sign Something Ain't Right in Hollywood

1. Bugs Bunny nibbling on Carrot Top.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Top One Paul McCartney - Stevie Wonder Sure-Fire Comeback

1. In their musical tradition of "Ebony and Ivory": "Black Cherry and Vanilla."

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Top One Sign Marlon Brando Was Bi-Sexual

"The new biography about legendary actor Marlon Brando claims ... [he] was voracious in the bedroom with both men and women." --All Headline News
1. His films: "Guys and Dolls," "The Fresh Man," "Roots," "One Eyed Jacks," "A Street Cat Named Desire," "On the Walter Front," and "The Godfather, Part Tootsie."

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Top One Reason Supermodel Kate Moss to Pen Autobiography

"LONDON (Reuters) - British supermodel Kate Moss, at the center of a scandal last year after being filmed apparently snorting cocaine, has agreed to publish her autobiography."
1. Learn how to operate a pen.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Top One Osama bin Laden Peace Offering to Infidels

Osama bin Laden's "vague offer of a truce — coupled with a threat of another attack on the U.S. — was made in an audiotape released by the Arab television network Al-Jazeera." --AP
1. Buy one truce, get one (of equal or lesser value) FREE!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Top One Osama bin Laden Terror Threat

"BEIRUT, Lebanon -- Osama bin Laden threatened ... the United States ... according to an audio tape broadcast yesterday on an Arab satellite channel." --"Newsday"
1. His next homemade video: "Brokeback Spiderhole."

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Top One Just Dessert for Wendy's Severed Finger Swindlers

"A couple who planted a severed finger in a bowl of Wendy's chili in a scheme to extort money from the fast-food chain were sentenced Wednesday to prison terms of at least nine years." --AP
1. Nine-to-12 in The Big Frosty.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Top One Name for William Shatner's Kidney Stone

"LOS ANGELES (AP) — An online casino has a piece of Capt. Kirk. Actor William Shatner has sold his kidney stone for $25,000, with the money going to a housing charity..."
1. The Trouble With Dribbles.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Top One Blonde Joke Ever

I've been around and I must say I've located The Best Blonde Joke Ever. It's so good I had to feature it on my Humor site, too.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Top One Friday the 13th Fear

1. "Friday the 13th: Jason vs. Bounty, the Quicker Picker-Upper"

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Top One Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pregnancy Plan

"Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are expecting a baby, possibly in May, a spokeswoman for Pitt has confirmed. ... Pitt was known to have filed papers to become the adoptive father of Jolie's two adopted children...." --"Herald Sun"
1. Adopt their own fetus.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Top One Opening Line When a Cop Pulls You Over

1. ''You cannot call yourself a geisha until you can stop a man with a single look.'' --"Memoirs of a Geisha"

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Top One Fashion Mr. Blackwell Wears to Slap Down Worst Dressed Women

The in-sultan of style goes for broke, back mounting hisses and disses on Britney Spears, Mary-Kate Olsen, Eva Langoria, and other celebrities in his 46th Annual Worst Dressed Women list, posted at E!
1. Brickbat Mittens

Monday, January 09, 2006

Top One Real Life Itchy and Scratchy Moment

1. "FORT SUMNER, N.M. — A mouse got its revenge against a homeowner who tried to dispose of it in a pile of burning leaves. The blazing creature ran back to the man's house and set it on fire." --AP

Friday, January 06, 2006

Top One Reason a Woman Married a Dolphin

"In a modest ceremony at Dolphin Reef in the southern Israeli port of Eilat, [Sharon] Tendler, a 41-year-old British citizen, apparently became the world's first person to 'marry' a dolphin." --MSNBC
1. Comes with built-in bidet.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Top One Cause of the California Floods

1. Barbra Streisand's boo-hoo this, boo-hoo that tears

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Top One Amazing Fact About the Cat That Phoned 911 to Save His Master's Life

1. Wrong number. The cat phoned Domino's to savor a herring pie.

Monday, January 02, 2006

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