Top One Way to Celebrate "COPS'" 650th Episode

1. Remove shirt and get arrested.

Top One CBS Perk for Perky Katie Couric

1. The Mike Wallace Eye Bag Chairs.

Top One NASCAR Meat

"Today's entry in 'when licensing goes wrong' is NASCAR Meats. Its Web site (www.tastetheexcitement.com) encourages you to 'get a taste of your favorite sport' and 'rev up your taste buds for the exciting taste.' Included among the selections is smoked sausage. Are they smoked with burning rubber or exhaust fumes?" --"Seattle Post-Intelligencer"

And the Top One NASCAR Meat:

Red Necks.

Top One Buck Owens Epitaph

"Singer Buck Owens, the flashy rhinestone cowboy who shaped the sound of country music with hits like 'Act Naturally' and brought the genre to TV on the long-running 'Hee Haw,' died Saturday. He was 76." --"The Hollywood Reporter"

And the Top One Buck Owens Epitaph:

"Here's Roy Clark."

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Top One Showtime for "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector"

1. We'll be there sometime between 8 a.m. tomorrow and 5 p.m. the twelfth of never.

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Top One Reason Mike Wallace Is Retiring From "60 Minutes"

1. That darn whippersnapper Morley Safer used the youth card.

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Top One Sign You're a Blonde Lobster

"Divers have discovered a new crustacean in the South Pacific that resembles a lobster and is covered with what looks like silky, blond fur, French researchers said Tuesday." --CNN

1. The beauty baths in butter sauce.

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Top One Story Idea to Win the Next 'Best Picture' Oscar

1. Gay bigots.

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Top One Rap Song Nominated for an Academy Award

1. "Bibbidy-Bobbidi-Boo" (1950)

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Top One Sign March Entered Like a Lamb

1. Woke up in a garlicky beef broth with onion and mint jelly on the side.

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