Top One Wish for NBC's "Three Wishes"

1. Cancellation

Top One Unhappy Moment at the Demi Moore - Ashton Kutcher Wedding

1. She: Paying the caterer. He: Naptime.

Top One Happy Moment at the Demi Moore - Ashton Kutcher Wedding

1. She: Opening the wedding gifts. He: Making a fort out of all the empty boxes!

Top One FBI Porno Squad Operation

1. A Fistful of Dolls

Top One FBI Porno Agent Code Name

1. Fluff the Magic Dragon

Top One FBI Porno Squad Requirement for Applicants

"The new squad will ... gather evidence against 'manufacturers and purveyors' of pornography -- not the kind exploiting children, but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults." --"The Washington Post"

1. Must be handy around the office.

Top One Name for Britney Spears' Next Baby

1. Oops!

Top One Name for Britney Spears' New Fragrance

1. Poo Poo Huggies

Top One Nickname for Britney Spears' Baby

1. Career Killer

Top One 'I'd Pay Good Money' Name for Britney Spears' Baby

1. Asparagus Spears

Top One Rejected Name for Britney Spears' Baby

1. Harpoon Spears

Top One Name for Britney Spears' Baby

1. M. Bare Assed

Top One Way to Thwart Icky Green Men From Outer Space

1. Introduce them to your *sister,* The Creature From the Black Lagoon.

Top One Way to Thwart Bloodthirsty Aliens From Outer Space

1. Wear tin foil hat. Be mistaken for Hershey's Kiss.

Top One Way Hookers Can Be More Like Wrecker Trucks

1. $50 for the tow, plus $2 per smile.

Top One Reason to Serve Classic Recipes

1. You're no longer a bad cook. Friends now think your food tastes fashionably old.

Top One #1 Best-Selling Author

1. Coen Van Der Kroon, "Golden Fountain : The Complete Guide to Urine Therapy"

Top One Michael Jackson Macho Makeover Maneuver

Michael "Jackson, 47, is having his redo done in Bahrain and ... is lifting weights and will wear shorter hair and less makeup." --"The Mercury News"

1. Goodbye, Diana Ross. Hello, Rosie O'Donnell.

Top One Jerry Lewis Telethon Moment

1. Jerry dribbled cherry limeade down Charo's flahBLAVEEEEEEEEE! A rash came up on her fweepPOOOOOOOOOOBEEEEE! All while the nice lady person strummed her MEL-VINNnnn...

Top One Way Americans Relax on Labor Day

1. Housework

Top One Reason Athletes Prefer Jogging to Bicycling

1. Get to wear the mudflap.