Thursday, December 29, 2005

Top One Sign of a Significant Risk of Terrorist Attacks

1. I wear my KEVLAR® dimples.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Top One Reason Oprah's Jet Forced to Land

"SANTA BARBARA, Calif. (AP) — Officials now say that it was ... not a collision with a bird, that damaged the windshield of Oprah Winfrey's private jet and forced it to return to the city airport."
1. Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's cockpit.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Top One Santa Claus Relaxation Tip

1. An elf force-fed seltzer tablets makes a massaging foot rest.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Top One Reason Alistair Cooke's Bones Were Stolen

"Authorities are investigating allegations that the body of British broadcaster Alistair Cooke ... was illegally carved up in the back room of a funeral home and sold so its parts could be used in transplants. Officials confirmed ... that investigators found paperwork indicating Cooke's bones had been removed and sold..." --Associated Press
1. Masterpiece femur.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Top One Trendy Same-Sex Marriage Vow

"Rock star Elton John and longtime partner David Furnish led the march up the aisle Wednesday as an estimated 700 same-sex couples in the United Kingdom registered their unions on the first day that civil partnerships became ... legal throughout the country." --"Los Angeles Times"
1. Brokeback Mounting

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Top One Unintentionally Funny News Item

1. "... 'Brokeback Mountain' ... the gay cowboy romance ... is playing in 69 theaters..." --IMDb

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Top One Special Lyrics if Frank Sinatra Sang "The Love Theme From 'King Kong'"

1. (To the tune of "Fly Me to the Moon")

Don't fly me to the ground
And let me lay among the cars
Don't let me see what death is like
On Studebakers and Ferrar's
In other words: Me? Don't! Flew!
In other words, I love you.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Top One Espresso at King Kong's Skull Island Starbucks

1. Caffè Americanos (replacing the Toffee Nut Natives)

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Top One King Kong Grooming Tip

1. Chainsaw Nose Hair Trimmer

Monday, December 12, 2005

Top One Surprise in the New "King Kong" Movie

1. Kong's musical solo, "Thank Heaven for Little Girls."

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Top One Surprise in King Kong's Comeback

1. He's not only the president of Fur Club for Men. He's a client.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Top One Fear About the 2036 Asteroid Hurtling to Earth

An asteroid "which has an outside chance of hitting the Earth in 2036, would release more than 100,000 times the energy released in the nuclear blast over Hiroshima. Thousands of square kilometres would be directly affected by the blast but the whole of the Earth would see the effects of the dust released into the atmosphere." --Guardian Unlimited
1. Bruce Willis will be 81.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Top One Missing Piece of the Titanic Puzzle

"Researchers say that the discovery of two large pieces of the ship's hull indicates that the ship sank much faster than previously believed. " --AP
1. Leonardo DiCaprio's career.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Top One Sign You May Need to Lose Weight

1. You find yourself in one of those 24-hour sofa bed places looking to buy mood seating for your walk-in belly button.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Top One Holiday Shopping Event

Wal-Mart a winner "as the U.S. holiday shopping season started ... Thanksgiving weekend." --Reuters

In store "Merry Christmas" wishes forbidden, "Wal-Mart spokesman Dan Fogleman said the 'Happy holidays' greeting is 'more inclusive.'"
1. Wal-Mart's Christmas Go to Hell Christmas Sale

Top One Sign You're Cheap

1. You water down water.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Top One Sign You're Not Exciting

1. Your Personal Pan Pizza is a raisin muffin.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Top One Sign You're Dull

1. Your heart murmer is on Kenny G's iPod.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Top One Rejected Coffee Based on an Elvis Presley Movie

The Elvis Presley name is being used to market new beverages. --AP
1. Stay Away Joe ("Stay Away, Joe")

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Top One Coffee Based on an Elvis Presley Movie

Specialty coffees bearing the Elvis Presley name are going on sale. --AP
1. Foam in Cappuccino ("Fun in Acapulco")

Monday, November 21, 2005

Top One Sure-Fire Elvis Presley Coffee

"Elvis Presley Enterprises green-lighted four limited-edition holiday coffees ... called Santa Baby, Blue Christmas, Love Me Tender and Silent Night, which is the decaf version." --AP
1. Latte Tender

Friday, November 18, 2005

Top One Reason Michael Jackson Visits a Ladies Room

"The pop star's publicist said Jackson ... did not understand the Arabic sign on the door [in the United Arab Emirates] and left the bathroom as soon as he realized his mistake. ... But local newspapers reported that the 47-year-old performer did not quickly leave the bathroom and was spotted applying makeup...."
1. Peter Pantyhose

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Top One Worry When Your Butt Is Glued to a Toilet Seat

A company "was sued by a shopper from a Colorado store who claims he got stuck to a restroom toilet seat because a prankster had smeared it with glue." --AP
1. Will I make the paper?

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Monday, November 14, 2005

Friday, November 11, 2005

Top One Thing Girls Should Know About Boycut Denim Jeans

Old Navy Boycut Denim 
1. Uh, lose the sock.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Top One Cheerleaders Sex Frill

"Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were arrested ... after a fight in a Tampa, Fla., bar that broke out when patrons complained that the cheerleaders were having sex in a bathroom stall." --"Seattle Post-Intelligencer"
1. Palm-palms.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Top One Definition of TV's "Sweeps Week"

1. The seven-day process of arranging Donald Trump's combover.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Top One All-New, Never-Before-Seen Sylvester Stallone Movie Franchise

"Sylvester Stallone will reprise his role as gun-toting John Rambo in the upcoming 'Rambo IV.' ... Stallone also intends to bring boxer Rocky Balboa out of retirement ... [for] 'Rocky Balboa,' the sixth film in that franchise." --Associated Press
1. "Rocky vs. Rambo"

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Top One New "Rambo: First Blood" Sequel Title

Sylvester "Stallone, 59, will bring back the gun-toting Vietnam veteran for the fourth movie in the series. Ben Nedivi, of co-producers Millennium Films, said it will recapture the rawness of 'First Blood,' which launched the franchise 23 years ago." --BBC News
1. "Rambo: First Geritol: 'For Iron-Poor Tired Blood'"

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Top One Concern About Florida's Python Infestation

"Pet Burmese pythons have been dumped illegally in Florida's Everglades National Park. ... Now hundreds of the constrictors — which reach upwards of 19 feet (6 meters) and 200 pounds (91 kilograms) — are breeding and expanding their range in Florida wetlands." --"National Geographic" 
1. The snake charmers in flight school.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Top One Way to Stop Popping Pimples

1. Pack face in bubble wrap.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Top One "Saw II" Audience Concern

1. "Do we need to have seen 'Saw' to follow this movie and savor the nuance?"

Friday, October 28, 2005

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Top One Thing I Think When I Can't Think of a Thing for a Top One

1. If Rod Stewart loses/lost his voice, how will/would we know?

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Top One Head Turning Moment in "The Exorcism of Emily Rose"

1. Lucifer jumping on Oprah's couch.

Top One Feature of "TV Guide's" Extreme Makeover!

"Ditching the digest format it had had since 1953, 'TV Guide' made the switch to better compete with such entertainment magazines as 'People,' 'Entertainment Weekly' and 'Star.'" --"Newsday"
1. We won't be buying it.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Top One Reaction to Atlanta's New $4.5 Million Image Campaign

1. "Flopportunity, Floptimism, Flopenness."

Friday, October 21, 2005

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Top One Adjustment in the "Rocky 6" Credits

1. Aging opponent Clubber Lang now played by Mr. Teeter.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Top One Surprise in "Rocky 6"

"Sylvester Stallone is to climb back into the ring for a sixth Rocky film. ... 30 years after Stallone, now 59, shot to fame in the original and 15 years after the most recent installment in the boxing series." --BBC
1. Boxing ring stool replaced with La-Z-Boy recliner.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Top One Blonde James Bond Movie

Photo: Daniel Craig, the next James BondDaniel Craig, the big screen's newest James Bond.
1. "The Living Highlights"

Monday, October 17, 2005

Top One Blonde James Bond Catchphrase

Photo: Daniel Craig, the next James BondHair Apparent: Daniel Craig has been officially named as the next James Bond.
1. Out: "Shaken, not stirred."
    In: "Scrunchy, not teased."

Friday, October 14, 2005

Top One Nickname for New Blonde James Bond

Photo: Daniel Craig, the next James Bond"[Daniel Craig's] build was important to his selection, according to a leaked memo from Eon Productions, the owners of the Bond franchise. ... 'Eric Bana was deemed not handsome enough, Hugh Jackman too fey, Colin Farrell too sleazy and Ewan McGregor too short." --Times Online
1. Out: 007 ...
    In: Agent 00Heaven!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Top One James Bond Blonde Moment

Photo: Daniel Craig, the next James Bond 007?Actor Daniel Craig reported to be the screen's first blonde 007.
1. "No time to aim your laser beam at my lap, Goldfinger. I've got to do my hair."

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Top One Reason James Bond Goes Blonde

Photo: Daniel Craig, the next James Bond 007?"A new actor playing James Bond ... could also be the first ever blonde Bond. Meet Daniel Craig — a 37-year-old Brit with 34 movies to his credit ... Craig is considered [more of a] movie tough guy than pretty boy and the leading contender to become the sixth 007." --MSNBC
1. License to frill.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Top One Misappropriation of the Supreme Court

1. Diana Ross uses it on weekends to entertain gentlemen callers.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Top One Supreme Court Opening Day Surprise

1. Judge Wapner threw out the first gavel and Judge Judy threw in the first shyster.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Top One Design Flaw in the Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston Mansion

"Actors Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, whose highly publicized divorce is expected to be finalized this week, have placed their Beverly Hills estate on the market for $28 million." --Reuters
1.The Angelina Jolie Screening Room

Friday, September 30, 2005

Top One Wish for NBC's "Three Wishes"

1. Cancellation

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Top One Unhappy Moment at the Demi Moore - Ashton Kutcher Wedding

1. She: Paying the caterer. He: Naptime.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Top One Happy Moment at the Demi Moore - Ashton Kutcher Wedding

1. She: Opening the wedding gifts. He: Making a fort out of all the empty boxes!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Top One FBI Porno Squad Operation

1. A Fistful of Dolls

Monday, September 26, 2005

Top One FBI Porno Agent Code Name

1. Fluff the Magic Dragon

Friday, September 23, 2005

Top One FBI Porno Squad Requirement for Applicants

"The new squad will ... gather evidence against 'manufacturers and purveyors' of pornography -- not the kind exploiting children, but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults." --"The Washington Post"
1. Must be handy around the office.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Top One Name for Britney Spears' New Fragrance

1. Poo Poo Huggies

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Top One Nickname for Britney Spears' Baby

1. Career Killer

Monday, September 19, 2005

Friday, September 16, 2005

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Top One Name for Britney Spears' Baby

1. M. Bare Assed

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Top One Way to Thwart Icky Green Men From Outer Space

1. Introduce them to your *sister,* The Creature From the Black Lagoon.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Top One Way to Thwart Bloodthirsty Aliens From Outer Space

1. Wear tin foil hat. Be mistaken for Hershey's Kiss.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Top One Way Hookers Can Be More Like Wrecker Trucks

1. $50 for the tow, plus $2 per smile.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Top One Reason to Serve Classic Recipes

1. You're no longer a bad cook. Friends now think your food tastes fashionably old.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Top One #1 Best-Selling Author

1. Coen Van Der Kroon, "Golden Fountain : The Complete Guide to Urine Therapy"

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Top One Michael Jackson Macho Makeover Maneuver

Michael "Jackson, 47, is having his redo done in Bahrain and ... is lifting weights and will wear shorter hair and less makeup." --"The Mercury News"
1. Goodbye, Diana Ross. Hello, Rosie O'Donnell.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Top One Jerry Lewis Telethon Moment

1. Jerry dribbled cherry limeade down Charo's flahBLAVEEEEEEEEE! A rash came up on her fweepPOOOOOOOOOOBEEEEE! All while the nice lady person strummed her MEL-VINNnnn...

Friday, September 02, 2005

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Top One Reason Athletes Prefer Jogging to Bicycling

1. Get to wear the mudflap.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Top One Way to Make the Keebler Elves Angry

1. Pay with cookie dough.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Top One Devastation in the Wake of Hurricane Katrina

1. All prints of "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" safe and accounted for.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Top One Eminem Embarrassing Moment

1. "The Bunny Hip-Hop"

Friday, August 26, 2005

Top One Sweetheart Names for Burt Reynolds and Willie Nelson

"Burt Reynolds said on the 'Tonight' show that if he'd have been gay, it would have saved him 'millions,' and he joked that Willie Nelson might have been his choice." --The Associated Press
1. Smirky and the Hairbandit

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Top One Sign the Pope Thinks Young, Fo' Shizzle My Bizzle

1. Wears hat backwards -- and hip tattoo says, "He Is the Way. WAY!"

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Top One Big Plan in "Bob the Builder: Bob's Big Plan"

1. Hammer Wendy's place.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

My Top One Desire During a Power Outage

1. Power. Especially, the urge to be King of Swaziland.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Top One Little-Known Penguin Fact

1. Penguins are not tuxedo-like. They're Fonzies.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Top One Rated Program on CNN

1. The nightly hour where Larry King looks like he's wondering when the pudding will arrive.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Top One Pair of High Tech Improvements for Next Batman Sequel

1. Batmobile installs curb feelers ... Bruce Wayne: Catwoman feelers.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Top One Memo to Morgan Freeman Fans

1. His "March of the Penguins" is not a Batman sequel.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Top One Anagram for COKE ZERO


Monday, August 15, 2005

Top One Rude Awakening at My High School Reunion

1. No, I can't have their fish sticks.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Top One Betty Boop's 75th Birthday Product Tie-In

1. Boop-Oops-a-Poop Adult Diapers

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Top One Astonishing Interstellar Disclosure Other Than Planet X

1. A Starbucks on every nebula.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Top One Discovery on the New 10th Planet

1. "Entertainment Tonight's" Mary Hart can easily be heard from Hollywood without a microphone.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Top One Pair of Snarky Nicknames for a "Dukes of Hazzard" Fan

1. "Cruiser Loser" and "Charger Card."

Friday, August 05, 2005

Top One Memory as Bob Hope's Remains Moved to New Garden

1. "Thanks for the Mulch."

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Top One Change as "TV Guide" Downsizes Old Features

1. "Cheers and Jeers" to become "Chee and Jee."

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Top One Blooper Spotted in "Batman Begins: The IMAX Experience"

1. Batmobile has no training wheels.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Top One Missed Opportunity in "Batman Begins"

1. Michael Caine's theme: "What's It All About, Alfred?"

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Top One Surprise in "Herbie: Fully Loaded"

1. Special Effects credits list Lindsay Lohan's breasts as Herbie #2 and Herbie #3.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Top One Revelation in President Bush's War on Terror Address

1. Previously named as a weapon of mass destruction to family-size bags of Doritos, Saddam Hussein also bites the heads off Marshmallow Peeps -- leaving their bodies in shallow gravies.

Related Story: I, Despot

Top One Way I Savored Independence Day

1. Living The American Dream with my 40 acorns and a squirrel.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Top One Reporter's Brain Fart

1. Never describe an aircraft crash victim as "down-to-earth."

Click the clipping for a larger image.

Suggested via Neal Boortz. Associated Press article as seen in "The Times," Frankfort, Indiana, although several published sources were observed using variations on the theme from different writers.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Top One Surprise in the New "Bewitched" Movie

1. It isn't all that magic.

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