Top One Sign of a Significant Risk of Terrorist Attacks

1. I wear my KEVLAR® dimples.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, Kevlar, jokes, comedy, terrorism, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, whatever

Top One Reason Oprah's Jet Forced to Land

"SANTA BARBARA, Calif. (AP) — Officials now say that it was ... not a collision with a bird, that damaged the windshield of Oprah Winfrey's private jet and forced it to return to the city airport."

1. Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's cockpit.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, Oprah Winfrey, jokes, comedy, airplanes, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, whatever

Top One Santa Claus Relaxation Tip

1. An elf force-fed seltzer tablets makes a massaging foot rest.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, Santa Claus, jokes, comedy, relaxation, one-liners, Mike Durrett, elves, whatever

Top One Reason Alistair Cooke's Bones Were Stolen

"Authorities are investigating allegations that the body of British broadcaster Alistair Cooke ... was illegally carved up in the back room of a funeral home and sold so its parts could be used in transplants. Officials confirmed ... that investigators found paperwork indicating Cooke's bones had been removed and sold..." --Associated Press

1. Masterpiece femur.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, Alistair Cooke, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, whatever

Top One Trendy Same-Sex Marriage Vow

"Rock star Elton John and longtime partner David Furnish led the march up the aisle Wednesday as an estimated 700 same-sex couples in the United Kingdom registered their unions on the first day that civil partnerships became ... legal throughout the country." --"Los Angeles Times"

1. Brokeback Mounting

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, same-sex, jokes, comedy, marriage, one-liners, Mike Durrett, Elton John, whatever

Top One Unintentionally Funny News Item

1. "... 'Brokeback Mountain' ... the gay cowboy romance ... is playing in 69 theaters..." --IMDb

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, Brokeback Mountain, jokes, comedy, movies, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, whatever

Top One Special Lyrics if Frank Sinatra Sang "The Love Theme From 'King Kong'"

1. (To the tune of "Fly Me to the Moon")

Don't fly me to the ground
And let me lay among the cars
Don't let me see what death is like
On Studebakers and Ferrar's
In other words: Me? Don't! Flew!
In other words, I love you.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, King Kong, jokes, comedy, movies, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, whatever

Top One Espresso at King Kong's Skull Island Starbucks

1. Caffè Americanos (replacing the Toffee Nut Natives)

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, coffee, jokes, comedy, beverages, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, King Kong

Top One Worst-Selling Beverage at King Kong's Skull Island Starbucks

1. Decaf

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, King Kong, jokes, comedy, coffee, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, beverages

Top One Cup Size at King Kong's Skull Island Starbucks

1. Tall
Grande
Venti Rex

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, King Kong, jokes, comedy, movies, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, coffee

Top One King Kong Grooming Tip

1. Chainsaw Nose Hair Trimmer

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, King Kong, jokes, comedy, grooming, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, beauty

Top One Surprise in the New "King Kong" Movie

1. Kong's musical solo, "Thank Heaven for Little Girls."

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, King Kong, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, whatever

Top One Surprise in King Kong's Comeback

1. He's not only the president of Fur Club for Men. He's a client.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, King Kong, jokes, comedy, movies, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, whatever

Top One Fear About the 2036 Asteroid Hurtling to Earth

An asteroid "which has an outside chance of hitting the Earth in 2036, would release more than 100,000 times the energy released in the nuclear blast over Hiroshima. Thousands of square kilometres would be directly affected by the blast but the whole of the Earth would see the effects of the dust released into the atmosphere." --Guardian Unlimited

1. Bruce Willis will be 81.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, asteroid, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, whatever

Top One Missing Piece of the Titanic Puzzle

"Researchers say that the discovery of two large pieces of the ship's hull indicates that the ship sank much faster than previously believed. " --AP

1. Leonardo DiCaprio's career.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, Titanic, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, whatever

Top One Sign You May Need to Lose Weight

1. You find yourself in one of those 24-hour sofa bed places looking to buy mood seating for your walk-in belly button.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, food, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, dieting, fat

Top One Holiday Shopping Event

Wal-Mart a winner "as the U.S. holiday shopping season started ... Thanksgiving weekend." --Reuters

In store "Merry Christmas" wishes forbidden, "Wal-Mart spokesman Dan Fogleman said the 'Happy holidays' greeting is 'more inclusive.'" --SFGate.com

1. Wal-Mart's Christmas Go to Hell Christmas Sale

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, shopping, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, Christmas

Top One Sign You're Cheap

1. You water down water.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, food, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, cheap

Top One Sign You're Not Exciting

1. Your Personal Pan Pizza is a raisin muffin.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, food, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, excitement, whatever

Top One Sign You're Dull

1. Your heart murmer is on Kenny G's iPod.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, dull, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, Kenny G

Top One Rejected Coffee Based on an Elvis Presley Movie

The Elvis Presley name is being used to market new beverages. --AP

1. Stay Away Joe ("Stay Away, Joe")

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, Elvis Presley, jokes, comedy, coffee, one-liners, Mike Durrett, movies, food

Top One Coffee Based on an Elvis Presley Movie

Specialty coffees bearing the Elvis Presley name are going on sale. --AP

1. Foam in Cappuccino ("Fun in Acapulco")

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, Elvis Presley, jokes, comedy, coffee, one-liners, Mike Durrett, movies, food

Top One Sure-Fire Elvis Presley Coffee

"Elvis Presley Enterprises green-lighted four limited-edition holiday coffees ... called Santa Baby, Blue Christmas, Love Me Tender and Silent Night, which is the decaf version." --AP

1. Latte Tender

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, Elvis Presley, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, coffee, whatever

Top One Reason Michael Jackson Visits a Ladies Room

"The pop star's publicist said Jackson ... did not understand the Arabic sign on the door [in the United Arab Emirates] and left the bathroom as soon as he realized his mistake. ... But local newspapers reported that the 47-year-old performer did not quickly leave the bathroom and was spotted applying makeup...." --IndyStar.com

1. Peter Pantyhose

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, Michael Jackson, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, ladies

Top One Reason Jennifer Aniston Named GQ's "Man of the Year"

1. Pitty

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, Jennifer Aniston, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, GQ, Man of the Year

Top One Worry When Your Butt Is Glued to a Toilet Seat

A company "was sued by a shopper from a Colorado store who claims he got stuck to a restroom toilet seat because a prankster had smeared it with glue." --AP

1. Will I make the paper?

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, toilet, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, whatever

Top One Rejected Name for the Litter-Robot

1. "South Park" Kenny

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, litter-robot, jokes, comedy, cats, one-liners, Mike Durrett, South Park, cat litter

Top One Name for the Litter-Robot

1. R2DooDoo

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, litter-robot, jokes, comedy, cats, one-liners, Mike Durrett, r2d2, cat litter

Top One Thing Girls Should Know About Boycut Denim Jeans

Old Navy Boycut Denim 

1. Uh, lose the sock.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, denim, jokes, comedy, jeans, one-liners, Mike Durrett, boycut, girls

Top One Moment of Silence on the U.S. Marine Corps' 230th Birthday

1. Jim Nabors jumping out of the cake.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, Marines, one-liners, Mike Durrett, Jim Nabors, whatever

Top One Headline Prediction

1. "Paris Hilton Bombed"

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, predictions, one-liners, Mike Durrett, headlines, Paris Hilton

Top One Cheerleaders Sex Frill

"Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were arrested ... after a fight in a Tampa, Fla., bar that broke out when patrons complained that the cheerleaders were having sex in a bathroom stall." --"Seattle Post-Intelligencer"

1. Palm-palms.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, sex scandal, jokes, comedy, cheerleaders, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, Carolina Panthers

Top One Definition of TV's "Sweeps Week"

1. The seven-day process of arranging Donald Trump's combover.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, hair, one-liners, Mike Durrett, Donald Trump, Sweeps Week

Top One All-New, Never-Before-Seen Sylvester Stallone Movie Franchise

"Sylvester Stallone will reprise his role as gun-toting John Rambo in the upcoming 'Rambo IV.' ... Stallone also intends to bring boxer Rocky Balboa out of retirement ... [for] 'Rocky Balboa,' the sixth film in that franchise." --Associated Press

1. "Rocky vs. Rambo"

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, movies, Sylvester Stallone

Top One New "Rambo: First Blood" Sequel Title

Sylvester "Stallone, 59, will bring back the gun-toting Vietnam veteran for the fourth movie in the series. Ben Nedivi, of co-producers Millennium Films, said it will recapture the rawness of 'First Blood,' which launched the franchise 23 years ago." --BBC News

1. "Rambo: First Geritol: 'For Iron-Poor Tired Blood'"

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, Sylvester Stallone, one-liners, Mike Durrett, Rambo, movies

Top One Concern About Florida's Python Infestation

"Pet Burmese pythons have been dumped illegally in Florida's Everglades National Park. ... Now hundreds of the constrictors — which reach upwards of 19 feet (6 meters) and 200 pounds (91 kilograms) — are breeding and expanding their range in Florida wetlands." --"National Geographic" 

1. The snake charmers in flight school.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, pythons, Florida

Top One Way to Stop Popping Pimples

1. Pack face in bubble wrap.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, acne, tips

Top One "Saw II" Audience Concern

1. "Do we need to have seen 'Saw' to follow this movie and savor the nuance?"

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, movies, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, "Saw II"

Top One Other Thing I Think When I Can't Think of a Thing for a Top One

1. Slim Jims with a skosh more Jim.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, food

Top One Thing I Think When I Can't Think of a Thing for a Top One

1. If Rod Stewart loses/lost his voice, how will/would we know?

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, Rod Stewart

Top One Head Turning Moment in "The Exorcism of Emily Rose"

1. Lucifer jumping on Oprah's couch.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, "The Exorcism of Emily Rose", one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, movies

Top One Feature of "TV Guide's" Extreme Makeover!

"Ditching the digest format it had had since 1953, 'TV Guide' made the switch to better compete with such entertainment magazines as 'People,' 'Entertainment Weekly' and 'Star.'" --"Newsday"

1. We won't be buying it.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, magazines, one-liners, Mike Durrett, "TV Guide", television

Top One Reaction to Atlanta's New $4.5 Million Image Campaign

1. "Flopportunity, Floptimism, Flopenness."

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, Atlanta

Top One Mrs. Rocky Balboa Comment on "Rocky 6"

1. "You mean 'Rickety Sex.'"

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, Sylvester Stallone, one-liners, Mike Durrett, movies, "Rocky 6"

Top One Adjustment in the "Rocky 6" Credits

1. Aging opponent Clubber Lang now played by Mr. Teeter.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, Sylvester Stallone, one-liners, Mike Durrett, movies, "Rocky 6"

Top One Surprise in "Rocky 6"

"Sylvester Stallone is to climb back into the ring for a sixth Rocky film. ... 30 years after Stallone, now 59, shot to fame in the original and 15 years after the most recent installment in the boxing series." --BBC

1. Boxing ring stool replaced with La-Z-Boy recliner.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, Sylvester Stallone, one-liners, Mike Durrett, movies, "Rocky 6"

Top One Blonde James Bond Movie

Daniel Craig, the big screen's newest James Bond.

1. "The Living Highlights"

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, Daniel Craig, jokes, comedy, blondes, one-liners, Mike Durrett, movies, James Bond

Top One Blonde James Bond Catchphrase

Hair Apparent: Daniel Craig has been officially named as the next James Bond.

1. Out: "Shaken, not stirred."
    In: "Scrunchy, not teased."

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, Daniel Craig, jokes, comedy, blondes, one-liners, Mike Durrett, movies, James Bond

Top One Nickname for New Blonde James Bond

"[Daniel Craig's] build was important to his selection, according to a leaked memo from Eon Productions, the owners of the Bond franchise. ... 'Eric Bana was deemed not handsome enough, Hugh Jackman too fey, Colin Farrell too sleazy and Ewan McGregor too short." --Times Online

1. Out: 007 ...
    In: Agent 00Heaven!

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, Daniel Craig, jokes, comedy, blondes, one-liners, Mike Durrett, movies, James Bond

Top One James Bond Blonde Moment

Actor Daniel Craig reported to be the screen's first blonde 007.

1. "No time to aim your laser beam at my lap, Goldfinger. I've got to do my hair."

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, Daniel Craig, jokes, comedy, blondes, one-liners, Mike Durrett, movies, James Bond

Top One Reason James Bond Goes Blonde

"A new actor playing James Bond ... could also be the first ever blonde Bond. Meet Daniel Craig — a 37-year-old Brit with 34 movies to his credit ... Craig is considered [more of a] movie tough guy than pretty boy and the leading contender to become the sixth 007." --MSNBC

1. License to frill.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, James Bond, jokes, comedy, blondes, one-liners, Mike Durrett, movies, Daniel Craig

Top One Public Reaction to the Tom Cruise - Katie Holmes Pregnancy

1. Mission implausible.

Filed under: lists, humor, humour, fun, Tom Cruise, jokes, comedy, Katie Holmes, one-liners, Mike Durrett, random, pregnancy

Top One Mrs. Nicolas Cage Excuse for Giving Birth to the Superman Baby

1. Daddy "faster than a speeding bullet."

Filed under lists, Mike Durrett, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, Nicolas Cage, one-liners, Superman, whatever

Top One Consideration Why Nicolas Cage Chose Superman as the Hero to Be His Baby's Namesake

1. Lisa Marie has the rights to "Elvis."

Filed under lists, Mike Durrett, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, stuff, one-liners, Nicolas Cage, Superman

Top One Reason Nicolas Cage Named His Baby After Superman

1. Diapers filled with green Kryptonite.

Filed under lists, Mike Durrett, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, babies, stuff, one-liners, Superman, Nicolas Cage

Top One Misappropriation of the Supreme Court

1. Diana Ross uses it on weekends to entertain gentlemen callers.

Filed under lists, Mike Durrett, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, Supreme Court, stuff, one-liners, random, whatever

Top One Supreme Court Opening Day Surprise

1. Judge Wapner threw out the first gavel and Judge Judy threw in the first shyster.

Filed under lists, Mike Durrett, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, Supreme Court, Judge Wapner, Judge Judy, one-liners, law

Top One Design Flaw in the Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston Mansion

"Actors Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, whose highly publicized divorce is expected to be finalized this week, have placed their Beverly Hills estate on the market for $28 million." --Reuters

1.The Angelina Jolie Screening Room

Filed under lists, Mike Durrett, humor, humour, fun, funny, jokes, comedy, Hollywood, Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, whatever

Top One Wish for NBC's "Three Wishes"

1. Cancellation

Top One Unhappy Moment at the Demi Moore - Ashton Kutcher Wedding

1. She: Paying the caterer. He: Naptime.

Top One Happy Moment at the Demi Moore - Ashton Kutcher Wedding

1. She: Opening the wedding gifts. He: Making a fort out of all the empty boxes!

Top One FBI Porno Squad Operation

1. A Fistful of Dolls

Top One FBI Porno Agent Code Name

1. Fluff the Magic Dragon

Top One FBI Porno Squad Requirement for Applicants

"The new squad will ... gather evidence against 'manufacturers and purveyors' of pornography -- not the kind exploiting children, but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults." --"The Washington Post"

1. Must be handy around the office.

Top One Name for Britney Spears' Next Baby

1. Oops!

Top One Name for Britney Spears' New Fragrance

1. Poo Poo Huggies

Top One Nickname for Britney Spears' Baby

1. Career Killer

Top One 'I'd Pay Good Money' Name for Britney Spears' Baby

1. Asparagus Spears

Top One Rejected Name for Britney Spears' Baby

1. Harpoon Spears

Top One Name for Britney Spears' Baby

1. M. Bare Assed

Top One Way to Thwart Icky Green Men From Outer Space

1. Introduce them to your *sister,* The Creature From the Black Lagoon.

Top One Way to Thwart Bloodthirsty Aliens From Outer Space

1. Wear tin foil hat. Be mistaken for Hershey's Kiss.

Top One Way Hookers Can Be More Like Wrecker Trucks

1. $50 for the tow, plus $2 per smile.

Top One Reason to Serve Classic Recipes

1. You're no longer a bad cook. Friends now think your food tastes fashionably old.

Top One #1 Best-Selling Author

1. Coen Van Der Kroon, "Golden Fountain : The Complete Guide to Urine Therapy"

Top One Michael Jackson Macho Makeover Maneuver

Michael "Jackson, 47, is having his redo done in Bahrain and ... is lifting weights and will wear shorter hair and less makeup." --"The Mercury News"

1. Goodbye, Diana Ross. Hello, Rosie O'Donnell.

Top One Jerry Lewis Telethon Moment

1. Jerry dribbled cherry limeade down Charo's flahBLAVEEEEEEEEE! A rash came up on her fweepPOOOOOOOOOOBEEEEE! All while the nice lady person strummed her MEL-VINNnnn...

Top One Way Americans Relax on Labor Day

1. Housework

Top One Reason Athletes Prefer Jogging to Bicycling

1. Get to wear the mudflap.

Top One Way to Make the Keebler Elves Angry

1. Pay with cookie dough.

Top One Devastation in the Wake of Hurricane Katrina

1. All prints of "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" safe and accounted for.

Top One Eminem Embarrassing Moment

1. "The Bunny Hip-Hop"

Top One Sweetheart Names for Burt Reynolds and Willie Nelson

"Burt Reynolds said on the 'Tonight' show that if he'd have been gay, it would have saved him 'millions,' and he joked that Willie Nelson might have been his choice." --The Associated Press

1. Smirky and the Hairbandit

Top One Sign the Pope Thinks Young, Fo' Shizzle My Bizzle

1. Wears hat backwards -- and hip tattoo says, "He Is the Way. WAY!"

Top One Big Plan in "Bob the Builder: Bob's Big Plan"

1. Hammer Wendy's place.

My Top One Desire During a Power Outage

1. Power. Especially, the urge to be King of Swaziland.

Top One Little-Known Penguin Fact

1. Penguins are not tuxedo-like. They're Fonzies.

Top One Rated Program on CNN

1. The nightly hour where Larry King looks like he's wondering when the pudding will arrive.

Top One Pair of High Tech Improvements for Next Batman Sequel

1. Batmobile installs curb feelers ... Bruce Wayne: Catwoman feelers.

Top One Memo to Morgan Freeman Fans

1. His "March of the Penguins" is not a Batman sequel.

Top One Anagram for COKE ZERO

1. ZOO CREEK

Top One Rude Awakening at My High School Reunion

1. No, I can't have their fish sticks.

Top One Reaction to That "Because of Winn-Dixie [the Dog]" Movie

1. Stray cats named BI-LO.

Top One Betty Boop's 75th Birthday Product Tie-In

1. Boop-Oops-a-Poop Adult Diapers

Top One Astonishing Interstellar Disclosure Other Than Planet X

1. A Starbucks on every nebula.

Top One Discovery on the New 10th Planet

1. "Entertainment Tonight's" Mary Hart can easily be heard from Hollywood without a microphone.

Top One Pair of Snarky Nicknames for a "Dukes of Hazzard" Fan

1. "Cruiser Loser" and "Charger Card."

Top One Memory as Bob Hope's Remains Moved to New Garden

1. "Thanks for the Mulch."

Top One Change as "TV Guide" Downsizes Old Features

1. "Cheers and Jeers" to become "Chee and Jee."

Top One Blooper Spotted in "Batman Begins: The IMAX Experience"

1. Batmobile has no training wheels.

Top One Missed Opportunity in "Batman Begins"

1. Michael Caine's theme: "What's It All About, Alfred?"

Top One Surprise in "Herbie: Fully Loaded"

1. Special Effects credits list Lindsay Lohan's breasts as Herbie #2 and Herbie #3.

Top One Horror Missing in Steven Spielberg's "War of the Worlds"

1. Cedric the ET.

Top One Revelation in President Bush's War on Terror Address

1. Previously named as a weapon of mass destruction to family-size bags of Doritos, Saddam Hussein also bites the heads off Marshmallow Peeps -- leaving their bodies in shallow gravies.

Related Story: I, Despot

Top One Way I Savored Independence Day

1. Living The American Dream with my 40 acorns and a squirrel.

Top One Reporter's Brain Fart

1. Never describe an aircraft crash victim as "down-to-earth."

Click the clipping for a larger image.

Suggested via Neal Boortz. Associated Press article as seen in "The Times," Frankfort, Indiana, although several published sources were observed using variations on the theme from different writers.

Top One Surprise in the New "Bewitched" Movie

1. It isn't all that magic.