Thursday, December 29, 2005

Top One Sign of a Significant Risk of Terrorist Attacks

1. I wear my KEVLAR® dimples.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Top One Reason Oprah's Jet Forced to Land

"SANTA BARBARA, Calif. (AP) — Officials now say that it was ... not a collision with a bird, that damaged the windshield of Oprah Winfrey's private jet and forced it to return to the city airport."
1. Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's cockpit.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Top One Santa Claus Relaxation Tip

1. An elf force-fed seltzer tablets makes a massaging foot rest.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Top One Reason Alistair Cooke's Bones Were Stolen

"Authorities are investigating allegations that the body of British broadcaster Alistair Cooke ... was illegally carved up in the back room of a funeral home and sold so its parts could be used in transplants. Officials confirmed ... that investigators found paperwork indicating Cooke's bones had been removed and sold..." --Associated Press
1. Masterpiece femur.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Top One Trendy Same-Sex Marriage Vow

"Rock star Elton John and longtime partner David Furnish led the march up the aisle Wednesday as an estimated 700 same-sex couples in the United Kingdom registered their unions on the first day that civil partnerships became ... legal throughout the country." --"Los Angeles Times"
1. Brokeback Mounting

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Top One Unintentionally Funny News Item

1. "... 'Brokeback Mountain' ... the gay cowboy romance ... is playing in 69 theaters..." --IMDb

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Top One Special Lyrics if Frank Sinatra Sang "The Love Theme From 'King Kong'"

1. (To the tune of "Fly Me to the Moon")

Don't fly me to the ground
And let me lay among the cars
Don't let me see what death is like
On Studebakers and Ferrar's
In other words: Me? Don't! Flew!
In other words, I love you.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Top One Espresso at King Kong's Skull Island Starbucks

1. Caffè Americanos (replacing the Toffee Nut Natives)

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Top One King Kong Grooming Tip

1. Chainsaw Nose Hair Trimmer

Monday, December 12, 2005

Top One Surprise in the New "King Kong" Movie

1. Kong's musical solo, "Thank Heaven for Little Girls."

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Top One Surprise in King Kong's Comeback

1. He's not only the president of Fur Club for Men. He's a client.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Top One Fear About the 2036 Asteroid Hurtling to Earth

An asteroid "which has an outside chance of hitting the Earth in 2036, would release more than 100,000 times the energy released in the nuclear blast over Hiroshima. Thousands of square kilometres would be directly affected by the blast but the whole of the Earth would see the effects of the dust released into the atmosphere." --Guardian Unlimited
1. Bruce Willis will be 81.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Top One Missing Piece of the Titanic Puzzle

"Researchers say that the discovery of two large pieces of the ship's hull indicates that the ship sank much faster than previously believed. " --AP
1. Leonardo DiCaprio's career.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Top One Sign You May Need to Lose Weight

1. You find yourself in one of those 24-hour sofa bed places looking to buy mood seating for your walk-in belly button.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Top One Holiday Shopping Event

Wal-Mart a winner "as the U.S. holiday shopping season started ... Thanksgiving weekend." --Reuters

In store "Merry Christmas" wishes forbidden, "Wal-Mart spokesman Dan Fogleman said the 'Happy holidays' greeting is 'more inclusive.'"
1. Wal-Mart's Christmas Go to Hell Christmas Sale

Top One Sign You're Cheap

1. You water down water.

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